I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
