So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
