I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
