11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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