Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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