If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
