FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
