Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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