Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
