did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Drake has all the answers
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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