my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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