Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You dont lie about slip and slides
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
