You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
