I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
FUCK WHALES
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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