Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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