The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
tell me about the fingering
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
