Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
