I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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