Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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