i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
