Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
