Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
