put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
