the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
