i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
