he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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