Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We left an ass print on the piano.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His nipple licking is glorious
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