if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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