lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
