He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just pee around me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
tell me about the fingering
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
