I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I won't apologize to a one balled man
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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