My liver just broke up with me...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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