She announced her abortion via fbk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
