it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
