I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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