i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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