How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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