I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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