i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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