you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
