Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
