ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
