I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
