dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
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We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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