I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights