I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
