Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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