Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
