My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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