New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
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Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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