happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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