I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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