i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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