Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
