so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
