I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
